When the tides turn.

This year has been the worst year of my life, I know people have worse problems but mine keep coming.  So my car is broke again, and since I am broke (because of fixing it four months and $1000 ago), it makes this really bad sound when I turn left, and of course no way home with out turning left.  I wish I would get in a accident and total it so I can get a new car.  I  like my car its just annoying.  My tuition was due like a month ago, and my student loan is being crazy, tons of doctor's bills, and my grandpa is about to die.  Life sucks today, when will my luck turn around? Isn't that the law of nature or something?

Stand Still, Look Pretty

I wonder sometimes if every one feels incomplete and fallen apart.  We are told to have dreams, have expectations and work as hard as you can. We are told to find someone to make us happy, so you are never alone.  Like being alone is bad, grant it I have boyfriend of 5 years, but I am proud of the person who is completely alone and pulling it off. Just imagine if you didn't have someone else your life would be completely different.  From were you live to what you eat. If you are alone you are expected to date, and find another person, and if you don't there is something wrong with you. Anyway,  I understand life is full of hardships, but I don't understand why. Why take more than you can need or want? Why let someone else suffer just so you can have that extra?  Why act like you care when you really don't?  These are questions I have to ask myself and do others ask themselves.  Do others feel empty and wonder what happiness means?  I am sure I know happiness, but I always ask how do others feel happy, and how do they feel sad.  How is a question I have always asked, but I always here you just think too much.  Do others feel like they don't belong, like an in poster, even if everyone says you belong there. How do you feel, live, love?

Finally Sleep

I am sleeping once again thanks to Elavil.  All Ambient did for me was make me a little high. Which is promising, I can now remember the previous night, and remember my dreams, which is my favorite part about sleeping. I love the stories my brain can come up with, the symbolism, detail and complexity of a situation all comes from my brain. Dreaming is probably the reason I love to sleep, and could stay in bed all day, waking every few hours to remember my dream like a true event that has happened but it never actually did. Anyway my pain since I stopped drinking pop and eating fried potatoes, has been surprisingly better. I never put the two together, and I don't know why. It makes since bad food equals bad body. It makes since just I never grasped it. Weird. I painted a wall today, which I hate. My shoulder doesn't hurt, and after that it is surprising. Good Night.

Work All Day

I hate working in the middle of the day, 1:30  to 10. Which doesn't really mean 10 more like 10:15 or 10:30. I know I shouldn't complain about having a job  but it just sucks working right  in the middle of the day. My shoulder didn't start to hurt until 9 so that made work good, but it is killing me now. I also am feeling stressed with school coming up (money), and my shoulder stuff (money), and just getting from day to day (money).  It just  is all at once and I just can't find a place to just relax and be my age, but I feel 50 with hurting all time and what not.

Pain and Entertainment

A knife in my back. this just started after my shower. Hopefully it goes away before I go to sleep. My shoulder, my shoulder I went and got the X-ray, no news just pain.  The doctor asked me what kind of pain it was and after 4 days to think about it, I know, I came up with this: it starts a dull was sore not too much anymore pain, to a sore muscle ache, to a constant pinching pain, to a constant someone just stabbed me in the should with a 4cm diameter pipe and forgot to take it with them pain.  I can't believed I put up with it for a year.

I also wanted to talk about a movie I watched yesterday.  It was called Timer which it a romantic comedy that released in 2009.  It is about this girl who has a "timer"
     a digital countdown till you meet the one, the man or women that is your perfect match. It goes into your wrist
     and determines something with a love compound to match it with another exact match. Never fails only useful                
     if  your partner to be has one too.
So this girl is panics  because hers has not started to countdown yet, and she is almost 30. So she is obsessed with finding the one without a timer. Till she meets Mikey, a young musician (who has a timer that is counting down.) She falls in love with him even though he is not the one...
It is really good story, funny and has my favorite kinda ending. A what the fuck just happened. I love these endings they are just pulls you in and never lets go till you see another wtf ending.

Doctors?

I went to the doctors today, gave me a new sleep aid, and a different reason why my shoulder hurts.  The last time it was a sore muscle that just needs rest and wanted to give me a shot of cortisone.  I said no because I didn't know what it was or how much it would cost me. So I decided to wait and do it the next time I came in.  Now today he thinks it is a frozen shoulder and wants me to get 4 tests and physical therapy.  I just want the pain to go away.  Some days it hurts so bad I wish it would get torn off.  But I really do not want that to happen.      Anyway he also gave me a new medicine to help me sleep. It is Elavil which is what my mom takes, I think. He said it is really for the pain and it just makes me drowsy. So heres hoping. But other than that my day was pretty good. No bad pain and I just relaxed because I did not have to work.

Up All Night Again

I am really tired and like normal I can't sleep. I have not had a string of no sleep since I was diagnosed,  I hate being up until 7 or 8 in the morning just to wake up two hours later. It is like taking a bad power nap and that's all the sleep you get.  I was not as productive last night, I mostly just laid in bed and read.  Hoping I could sleep.  Then I had to get up, at 10 and go shopping with my mom because I had promised to  Now I do not usually mind shopping, unless I am in a store to long my back will start to ache, I will then get bitchy and leave.  I used to love shopping now I can only manage in and out trips. Other than not sleeping and the back ache nothing else really hurt.